7 Necessary Breakup “Rules” I Really Wish I Had Followed

There are no official rules when it comes to breakups. Sure there are things that we all know could make the process easier, but unfortunately we don't always follow them. We have friends who try to tell us the dos and don'ts of post-separation. There are some unofficial breakup rules it helps to follow. Sometimes they're just simple suggestions, and other times they're big life-changing adjustments. But big or small, it's never easy to navigate the time after a breakup.

Like most people, I've been through several breakups in my lifetime. Some were definitely easier than others. A couple I knew were coming and we had both just put off the inevitable. Others were because of changes and milestones in our lives, and being together wasn't serving either of us. Another was an extremely toxic relationship that I pretty much ran from. And my latest breakup, many years ago, was the hardest. Looking back now, the choices I made, made the process even harder.

For transparency, I will say that post-breakup, I fell into a serious depressive episode that I ended up needing treatment for. In case you're not familiar with depressive episodes, Bridges to Recovery defines it as, "a period of two weeks or longer in which a person experiences certain symptoms of major depression: feelings of sadness and hopelessness, fatigue, weight gain or weight loss, changes in sleeping habits, loss of interest in activities, or thoughts of suicide." Fortunately, I never had thoughts of suicide, but I pretty much had every other symptom.

If you are ever in this situation. Please get help. Find Mental Health Support in Massachusetts HERE.

Back to breakups, sorry for that detour, but I think context is important and does explain why I made some of the choices I made. Bad choices. Choices I would not make today. I made lots of mistakes, and because I don't want you to make things harder for yourself, here are my 7 Necessary Breakup "Rules" I Really Wish I Followed.

If you follow no other rule, follow this one. Nothing good is ever going to come out of spending time on social media. The majority of my day was spent "social media stalking." Looking to see what they were doing. Who were they doing it with. Where they were. It was torture. I would encourage you to take a break from social media. No posting, no scrolling, nothing. I think if I followed this one rule, I would have been able to better manage all the other mistakes I made.

Let's be real. There is no legitimate reason you need to "check on them." They're either doing fine, or if they're not, it's not your problem anymore. Cutting off contact is the best thing you can do for yourself. God I wish I had done this earlier. If I had, it may have taken me months to get through it, and not years. It's going to take drastic measures, and may even feel mean, but block them, unfollow them, do whatever you have to do. No contact can feel excruciating, especially if you still love the person, but as the days go by, it WILL get easier.

I did not take care of myself at all. I would go to work, come home, check social media every minute of the day, and cry. I barely ate anything and lost about 70 pounds. Before you say that's great, it was not. It was not healthy. I look back at pictures during that time, and while everyone was telling me how great I looked, I knew the pain and despair behind that weight loss. That's one of the reasons I never comment about anyone's weight anymore. I also probably smelled to high hell not showering every day. I could barely get off the couch. Yes, these are signs of depression, and I felt very unhealthy. The one way I did take care of myself though, was making the decision not to drink. I was seriously concerned that if I started I wouldn't stop. Good choice!

After a breakup, it's so easy to romanticize the person and/or the relationship. When all you can think about is how much you still love them, it's easy to keep replaying the highlight reel of your relationship. You completely overlook the red flags, or the communication problems, or the many other "downs" in the relationship. It, and they, were perfect. It wasn't, they weren't, and neither were you.

One of the things I did for months on end was isolate myself. I didn't want to go out with friends, I didn't care about any social activities including family functions. During the holidays I skipped Thanksgiving dinner, and on Christmas, I only spent the morning with my niece and went home. I couldn't handle being around people. Thinking back, it could have done me some good if I was honest, said I was struggling, and spent time around the kids. Face it, you may not want to do anything, and you don't have to get together with people every single day. But at least make an effort to get together with friends. Even if it's at someone's house for takeout.

OMG how was I not so sick of myself??? Just like that highlight reel that plays in our head of this glorious relationship we had, there is also a rewind button we keep hitting. We overthink every decision we made, every argument we had, what you could have done differently. It's exhausting and not productive at all. Maybe find something you can do when you start spiraling to get you out of it. Something positive. Something you like to do. Something that will keep your phone out of your hands. Paint, do a puzzle, dance, etc.

At the end of my breakup, I took everything that I had at his house, loaded it in my car and drove back to my house. I brought the pile into the house and dropped it by the door and there it sat for months. I didn't touch it, look through it, or let anyone else touch it. It was a daily reminder of what I was going through and it was terrible. Don't do that. I honestly wish I had taken it all and thrown it in the nearest dumpster. It wasn't anything I had to have. Then there's the issue of gifts. I know it's a tough one. Sometimes they gave you something that you just love and don't want to get rid of. I would say that if it's something that brings up a wave of emotions or strong connection, maybe put it in a box and far away so you're not staring at it lovingly all the time. If it's something you love, you want, and it's not going to have you in tears, then keep it. This is definitely something you have to decide for yourself. But when in doubt, you might want to throw it out.